Couples Counselling in Canberra
The argument changes. The position each of you ends up in may feel remarkably familiar.
Couples often come to counselling because something between them has become difficult to shift. The topic may change, but the interaction can begin to feel familiar — one person reaches and the other pulls away, one becomes more frustrated while the other becomes more defensive, or both become caught in ways of responding that leave neither feeling understood.
Sometimes the difficulty is a recurring pattern. Sometimes something specific has happened — a betrayal, a loss of trust, a major transition, a difference that has become harder to navigate, or a period of growing distance.
Couples counselling here works with both the difficulty that brought you in and what happens between you around it. The aim is not to decide which person is the problem, but to understand the relationship more clearly and what may be making connection, communication, or repair difficult
Each of you brings your own experience, history, needs, and ways of protecting yourself into the relationship. Understanding how these meet — particularly when something important is at stake — can open possibilities that are difficult to reach from inside the conflict itself.
The cycle
Different couples develop different patterns. This is one that appears often.
When something important happens between partners, both people can begin responding in ways that make sense from their own position but unintentionally make the other person’s response more likely.
For some couples, this takes the form of one person reaching harder for connection while the other pulls back. For others, both escalate, both withdraw, or the positions change depending on what is happening.
The details differ. What matters is recognising the pattern your relationship has developed and what happens to each of you inside it.
stage 01
The reach
Something important is needed, wanted, or felt.
One person reaches toward the other — sometimes directly, sometimes through behaviour.
It might appear as a question, a complaint, a change in tone, silence, frustration, or an attempt to talk about a practical issue. What matters underneath may be harder to express: Are you there for me? Do I matter to you? Can I reach you? Can we be okay?
The reach does not always look like reaching.
stage 02
The misread
What is intended and what is received can be very different.
A bid for connection may land as criticism. A request for space may feel like rejection. An attempt to explain may sound defensive. Silence intended to prevent escalation may be experienced as indifference.
Both people’s experiences can make sense — and still produce a painful interaction between them.
stage 03
The positions lock
Each person's response begins to strengthen the other's.
One person may reach harder as the other withdraws further. Both may become increasingly defensive. One may pursue resolution while the other tries to reduce the intensity. Sometimes the positions reverse.
What begins as an attempt to protect the relationship, protect oneself, be understood, or manage overwhelming emotion can unintentionally produce more of what each person fears.
The pattern begins to take over the conversation.
Stage 04
The missed contact
What mattered underneath becomes harder to reach.
The conversation moves toward tone, defensiveness, timing, facts, who started it, or who said what.
Meanwhile, the more vulnerable experience underneath — hurt, fear, loneliness, disappointment, longing, shame, uncertainty, or the need to know that the relationship still matters — may remain unspoken or unheard.
By this point, the argument can become bigger than whatever originally started it.
Stage 05
The reset
The immediate conflict ends. The pattern remains available.
Eventually the argument stops. Someone withdraws. Things settle down. The couple moves on.
But if the underlying interaction has not shifted, the threshold can become lower the next time something important happens. A different topic can activate a familiar sequence.
Over time, couples may begin to anticipate the pattern before the conversation has even started.
Couples counselling helps identify the pattern that is actually happening between you — not assume one in advance — and understand what each person experiences and does as it unfolds.
The pattern is something that happens between you. Understanding it does not remove either person’s responsibility for what they do within it.
The context
Two people. Two histories. One relationship developing between them.
Neither person enters a relationship as a blank slate. Each brings experiences of closeness, conflict, trust, dependence, vulnerability, and emotional expression — shaped in different ways by family, previous relationships, culture, significant experiences, and life circumstances.
Attachment can be an important part of this. Earlier relationships may influence what feels safe or threatening, how easily someone reaches for support, what happens when connection feels uncertain, or how they protect themselves when emotions become intense.
But not everything happening between a couple began before the relationship.
Relationships develop histories of their own. A betrayal, repeated experiences of not feeling heard, unresolved conflict, parenting pressures, illness, loss, sexual or intimacy difficulties, cultural differences, or years of accumulated hurt can change how partners experience and respond to one another.
Couples counselling therefore stays curious about both histories: what each person brings into the relationship and what has happened between them since.
Understanding that context can make responses that once seemed irrational or deliberately hurtful more understandable. But understanding is not the same as excusing. Each person remains responsible for how they behave and for the impact their behaviour has on the other.
The aim is not to explain everything through the past. It is to understand enough of what shaped the present that something different can become possible within the relationship.
WHERE CHANGE BEGINS
Safety comes before vulnerability.
Couples counselling can ask people to speak about experiences that are difficult to express — hurt, fear, disappointment, shame, longing, uncertainty, or needs that may have become risky to reveal within the relationship.
That kind of vulnerability cannot simply be expected because both partners are sitting in a counselling room. Enough trust and emotional safety need to develop for each person to speak honestly, hear the other differently, and risk responding in ways that are less familiar or protective.
There is also a more fundamental question of safety. Where there is fear, intimidation, coercive control, violence, or other behaviour that makes open participation unsafe, standard couples counselling may not be appropriate. These concerns need to be understood before asking either person to become more vulnerable in front of the other.
This is one reason the early assessment matters. I usually begin with a session together, followed by an individual session with each partner, before returning to joint sessions. This creates an opportunity to understand the relationship from different perspectives, consider relevant history and safety concerns, and begin identifying what the work may need to focus on.
For some couples, enough emotional safety already exists and the work can move relatively quickly toward difficult conversations and new interactions. For others — particularly where trust has been damaged or hurt has accumulated — developing enough safety to engage differently may itself be an important part of the work.
Vulnerability is not the starting requirement. Creating the conditions in which vulnerability becomes possible is part of couples counselling.
The work
What couples counselling here actually works with.
Couples counselling here is not primarily about deciding who is right, settling an argument, or teaching two people the correct way to communicate.
The work begins by understanding what is happening between you. That may include a recurring interactional cycle, the emotions and needs that become difficult to express within it, significant injuries or losses of trust, and the experiences each person brings into the relationship.
Understanding the pattern can be important. When couples begin to recognise what happens between them, blame can soften and each person’s responses can become more understandable.
But insight alone may not change what happens when the relationship is under pressure. Couples counselling therefore also works experientially — slowing important moments down, helping each person access and communicate what is harder to express, and creating opportunities for partners to respond to one another differently.
First
Understand the pattern.
Early sessions explore what tends to happen when something important arises between you: what triggers the interaction, how each person experiences it, what each person does next, and how those responses affect the other.
For some couples, a recurring negative cycle becomes clear. For others, the work may initially centre more on a particular injury, loss of trust, transition, or area of disconnection.
The aim is to understand your relationship, rather than fit it into a predetermined pattern.
Then
Understand what happens underneath.
Visible reactions often tell only part of the story.
Anger may sit alongside hurt, fear, loneliness, or a longing to matter. Withdrawal may involve overwhelm, uncertainty, shame, or fear of making things worse. Defensiveness may emerge when someone feels criticised, misunderstood, or inadequate.
These are possibilities, not assumptions. The work involves slowing the interaction down enough to understand what is actually happening for each of you.
When those experiences become clearer, partners can begin to encounter something different from the position they usually meet in conflict.
In the room
Work with what happens between you as it unfolds.
Couples counselling is not only a conversation about arguments that happened during the week.
At times, the same interaction that happens at home begins to appear in the session — one person reaches, the other becomes quiet; something difficult is said and defensiveness appears; an emotion emerges and quickly disappears.
Those moments can become part of the work.
Rather than allowing the familiar sequence to simply continue, we can slow it down, understand what is happening for each person, and create opportunities for something different to be expressed, heard, or responded to.
This is an important part of the experiential work in Emotionally Focused Therapy.
Over time
Develop a different way of reaching and responding.
Change is not about eliminating disagreement.
It is about increasing the couple’s capacity to recognise what is happening between them, remain more accessible and responsive when something important is at stake, communicate experiences that previously became hidden behind protective reactions, and repair when connection is disrupted.
Over time, familiar patterns may become less automatic and less powerful. Difficult conversations can become more possible because each person has greater access to both their own experience and the person in front of them.
The aim is not a relationship without conflict. It is a relationship with greater capacity for connection, responsiveness, and repair.
A secure relationship is one of the most significant things two people can build together.
Not because it resolves everything, but because of what it can make possible — greater trust, greater freedom to be vulnerable, more capacity to repair after hurt, and a stronger sense that difficult moments do not have to threaten the relationship itself.
The effects can extend beyond the couple. The quality of the relationship between partners can shape family life, parenting, and the relational environment in which children grow and learn about closeness, conflict, and repair.
When a couple becomes less caught in the patterns that have kept them apart, the relationship can become different ground — not a relationship without difficulty, but one with greater capacity to meet difficulty together.
Common reasons couples seek counselling
Couples come for many different reasons.
Couples in Canberra and online across Australia seek counselling for concerns including:
Recurring conflict or arguments about the same issues
Communication that breaks down under pressure
Growing emotional distance or disconnection
Trust difficulties, betrayal, or relationship injuries
Feeling more like co-managers of a household than partners
Parenting pressures and disagreements
Intimacy, affection, or sexual connection difficulties
Major life transitions — including becoming parents, moving, loss, illness, or other significant changes
Cultural, religious, or family-of-origin differences
Migration stress and bicultural relationship challenges
Different expectations about commitment, family, roles, or the future
Difficulty repairing after conflict or hurt
These concerns do not all have the same cause. Sometimes a recurring interactional cycle has become the central difficulty. Sometimes a particular event or relationship injury has changed how partners experience one another. Often both the issue itself and what happens between partners around it become important parts of the work.
Couples counselling begins by understanding what is happening in your relationship, rather than assuming in advance what the problem is.
Is couples counselling the right starting point?
Couples counselling may be useful when
The same conflicts or patterns keep returning despite genuine attempts to resolve them.
You both care about the relationship but have become stuck in ways you cannot seem to shift together.
You understand some of what happens between you but find that insight disappears when emotions become intense.
Distance, tension, resentment, or disconnection have become increasingly familiar.
Trust has been damaged and you want to understand whether and how repair may be possible.
You want to understand not only what you disagree about, but what happens between you when something important is at stake.
You are both willing to participate in examining the relationship, even if you currently understand the problem very differently.
When a different starting point may be needed
Couples counselling is not always the safest or most useful first step. A different approach may be needed where:
There is current violence, coercive control, intimidation, or fear that makes it unsafe for one person to speak openly in front of the other.
One person has already decided to leave the relationship and the central question is no longer how to repair it.
Acute mental health, substance-use, or other safety concerns need more immediate or specialised support.
One or both partners are unable to participate in couples counselling safely or meaningfully at this time.
Suitability is considered carefully, particularly in the early sessions. Where couples counselling is not appropriate, I will discuss this with you and, where possible, help identify a more suitable form of support.
A note on discernment
If the central question is whether to continue — not how to repair.
Some uncertainty about a relationship can exist within couples counselling. But when one or both partners are seriously considering separation and the central question has become whether to remain in the relationship at all, standard couples counselling may not be the best starting point.
Discernment counselling is designed specifically for that situation. It is a structured, time-limited process that helps couples develop greater clarity about the direction of the relationship without assuming that staying together or separating is the right outcome.
Client experiences
What people say about working with Prakash
“We walked into therapy feeling overwhelmed and unsure if our relationship could be repaired. Prakash gave us hope and we believe that he has saved our marriage. He has an incredible ability to identify and communicate our issues in ways that make sense, helping us to understand ourselves both individually and as a couple.”
— Kellie B · Couples client · Google Review
Questions
Questions about couples counselling.
The first session is an opportunity to understand what has brought you to counselling and hear how each of you experiences the relationship. We will begin exploring what happens between you when difficulties arise, what you have already tried, what you each hope might change, and any relevant history or circumstances. You do not need to agree on what the problem is before attending.
I usually meet with each partner individually once after the initial joint session. These conversations provide space to understand each person’s perspective, personal and relationship history, relevant wellbeing or safety concerns, and anything that may be difficult to discuss initially with a partner present.
These are assessment sessions within the couples counselling process rather than separate individual counselling.
Couples counselling works with the relationship, so individual sessions are not intended to create an ongoing private therapeutic relationship with one partner.
Before individual sessions, we will discuss how information and confidentiality are handled within the couples work, including the limits of what can appropriately remain private when it materially affects the relationship or the counselling process.
This answer should ultimately use the exact wording/principles of your couples consent and no-secrets policy. I would not publish anything more specific until we’ve checked that document.
No. Couples often arrive with very different understandings of what has gone wrong. One person may experience distance while the other experiences pressure; one may focus on a particular event while the other sees a much longer history.
You do not need to agree on the explanation before counselling begins. Understanding how each of you experiences the relationship is part of the work.
Conflict in the room does not mean couples counselling is failing. Sometimes the interaction that causes difficulty at home also appears during a session, which can give us an opportunity to understand it more closely.
Rather than deciding who is right, I may slow the interaction down and help each of you notice what is happening — what you are feeling, what you are responding to, and how each response affects the other.
Where conflict becomes unsafe, intimidating, or prevents meaningful participation, we may need to reconsider how or whether joint counselling should continue.
Previous counselling not helping does not necessarily mean couples counselling cannot help, but it is useful to understand what was tried and what felt missing.
My approach is relational, attachment-informed, and influenced particularly by Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). Alongside understanding the issues intellectually, the work pays attention to the interaction between you as it unfolds and, where appropriate, creates opportunities to communicate and respond differently in the session.
That does not guarantee a particular outcome, but it may offer a different way of approaching difficulties that have remained stuck.
It can sometimes provide a structured place to understand what has happened, its impact on both partners, and whether repair is possible.
Work after betrayal usually requires more than returning to better communication. The injury itself may need attention, including questions of trust, accountability, emotional safety, and what each person would need for the relationship to move forward.
Whether couples counselling is appropriate will depend on the circumstances and what each partner is seeking.
Some uncertainty can be explored within couples counselling. However, if one or both partners are seriously considering separation and the central question has become whether to remain in the relationship rather than how to work on it, discernment counselling may be a better starting point.
Discernment counselling is designed to help couples develop greater clarity about the direction of the relationship without assuming that staying together or separating is the right outcome.
There is no single length of counselling that is right for every couple. The frequency and overall duration depend on what has brought you in, how established the difficulties are, what you want from counselling, and how the work develops.
Regular sessions can be particularly useful early in the process so that the work has continuity. We can discuss frequency and review progress together as counselling continues.
Yes. Couples counselling is available in person in Belconnen, Canberra, and online across Australia.
Depending on your circumstances, you may attend online from the same location or from separate locations. We can discuss what arrangement is most appropriate for the work.
Related services
Sometimes a different kind of counselling is the better fit.
If the difficulty you want to work on is primarily your own experience, individual counselling may be a more appropriate starting point. This can include relationship concerns, recurring patterns, emotional difficulties, grief, stress, workplace experiences, or significant life transitions.
If one or both partners are seriously uncertain about whether to remain in the relationship, discernment counselling offers a different process. Its purpose is to develop greater clarity about the direction of the relationship before deciding whether to begin couples counselling.
Begin
Begin with a session or a conversation.
You do not need to understand the pattern between you before coming in. You may not even agree on what the problem is.
The first session gives us an opportunity to understand what has brought you to counselling, hear both perspectives, and begin considering what the work may need to focus on.
I usually begin with a session together, followed by one individual session with each partner, before returning to joint sessions.
Practice details
- Belconnen, Canberra, ACT
- In-person and online across Australia
- 50-minute sessions
- $180 per session (free 15-minute initial consultation available)
- Usual starting process:
First session together · One individual session with each partner · Then joint sessions - info@nowmoksha.com.au